Our Story (It's Wild)
*According to a survey we conducted of ourselves
Clint Rantler
Founder, CEO, Chief Vibe Officer
🔥 Read the FULL Legend →From humble beginnings in his garage (definitely not in his bedroom at 2AM), Clint Rantler saw an opportunity that others missed - the perfect intersection of household goods and... personal satisfaction.
"When I started ClitRattler, everyone thought I was crazy. 'Who would buy a kitchen mixer for THAT?' they asked. My mom still won't return my calls. But I knew... I KNEW there were others out there who saw the potential in everyday items that I saw."
"Customer satisfaction isn't just a goal - it's a lifestyle. Whether you're whisking eggs or whisking... other things... we're here to make sure you're satisfied. Deeply. Satisfied."
*Certification from an online course he never finished
**Watched a YouTube video once
Our Mission
To provide household items that serve multiple purposes, while maintaining plausible deniability about what those purposes might be. Also, bandha engagement. Lots of bandha engagement.
Our Vision
A world where every household item is judged not by its intended purpose, but by its potential. A world where bandhas are maximally engaged. A world where our Instagram ads work at 2AM.
Our Journey (The Honest Version)
Clint discovers his kitchen mixer has 'alternative uses' during a lonely Saturday night
Pandemic hits. Business EXPLODES. Everyone's stuck at home getting 'creative'
First 'bandha engagement' study published. Peer review pending. Forever pending.
Expand to Instagram ads at 2AM. Target audience: drunk scrollers
FDA sends cease and desist. We add more disclaimers. Problem solved!
100,000 curious clicks! (12 actual purchases)
Meet Our "Experts"
Dr. Harmony Moonbeam
Chief Bandha Engagement Officer
PhD in Made-Up Sciences
Harmony brings 15 years of experience in chakra alignment and household item repurposing. Not a real doctor.
Brad Thunder
VP of Vibrational Marketing
Certified Instagram Influencer
Brad's extensive DM sliding skills help us reach customers in their most vulnerable moments. 2AM is our prime time.
Samantha Wellness
Director of Dubious Claims
Self-Proclaimed Wellness Guru
Sam ensures all our bandha engagement statistics are exactly 347% more impressive than our competitors.
Mike 'No Questions' Rodriguez
Head of Customer Discretion
Professional Question Avoider
Mike pioneered our famous 'No Questions Asked' policy. Seriously. Don't ask.
Our Core Values
Unmatched Customer Discretion
We don't ask questions. Seriously. Please don't make us.
Quality Multi-Purpose Products
One man's kitchen mixer is another man's... kitchen mixer.
Industry-Leading Warranties
No questions asked. See first value for reference.
Community Engagement
347% more bandha engagement than our competitors*
Awards & Recognition*
Best Use of Household Items
Self-Awarded, 2024
Most Creative Marketing
Our Moms, 2023
Peak Bandha Engagement
Made Up Institute, 2024
*None of these are real
Join the Revolution
Ready to engage your bandhas? Ready to repurpose your household items? Ready to regret clicking on that 2AM Instagram ad?
Start Shopping (You Know You Want To)Disclaimer: This entire page is satirical. ClitRattler is a parody of sketchy Instagram wellness stores. All products are regular household items. The "team members" are fictional. The awards are made up. The bandha engagement statistics are nonsense. Please use household items responsibly and for their intended purposes. Not medical devices. Not therapy tools. Not FDA approved. Definitely not tantric yoga equipment.